I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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I hope you don鈥檛 feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that鈥檚 how the fight started.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 馃檪
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I鈥檓 eating water and air today
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Brb my Sims are getting married
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
馃毑+physics = winner
me: my friend died in her sleep 馃檨
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I鈥檝e got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 馃槶
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 馃槷
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I鈥檓 a model. Then more people ask me if I鈥檓 a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling 鈥渁re you a model?!鈥漸ntil I鈥檇 have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don鈥檛 know that
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
This chloroform smells expensiv…