Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
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[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Me buying fruit and veg
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.