Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
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Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*