one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
You Might Also Like
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him