Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
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Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy