Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
You Might Also Like
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain