I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
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Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME