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My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Mood.. 😂
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick