Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
don’t be scared
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days