Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
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Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
so much to do
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.