Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
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I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”