ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
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I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers