My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Alexa: *deep breath*
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
are there any atheist mantises?
S O O N
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.