interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
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If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Your honor these allegations are
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I can’t wait!
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did