Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
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My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I put the mess in domestic.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.