13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
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Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.