Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
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My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers