I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
also my go-to takeaway order
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”