Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
You Might Also Like
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Monday
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.