If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
You Might Also Like
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?