Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
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Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Chicken bread
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*