Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
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My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
#titanic
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.