me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
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How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.