mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
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How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?