He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
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Note to self: I am a note
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.