ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
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I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation