Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
WTF IS THAT!
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
HERE’S MARKY
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”