Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
You Might Also Like
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
The future is now.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”