[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
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My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
True
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
nobody’s gonna understand