ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
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Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.