The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
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Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Bros before Ohioes
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)