BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
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Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.