My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
You Might Also Like
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Merica.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
So glad we cleared that up
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped