I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
You Might Also Like
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.