I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
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My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Pickled cat.