I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Anime is real
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???