The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
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Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.