I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
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[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Swedish for common sense.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.