I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
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Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
The little toadstool has spoken.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.