I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
found my next D&D character name
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”