[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
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CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
how high up are we talkin’?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.