Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
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Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
i really liked this one
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby