Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.