What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
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Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”