It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
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I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.