Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
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Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
the battle rages on
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.