I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed