My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
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My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.