My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
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Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.