Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
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Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I’m Sold!